Better Together
Fifty years ago I was on the backside of squeezing four years into five at the Mother of All Universities, Oregon State. Along the way I developed friendships with a number of dudes who enjoyed the same stuff, had similar goals, and made me better for being around them. We were young and full of life. Fifty years later we still have fun and hold one another accountable to who we say we want to be.
Doing life together, even though we are spread around the West and connect via Zoom on a regular basis, is better than going it alone.
Our friendships are not normal for most adults, especially men. If you pay attention, you can hear multiple voices from all points on the compass warning of an epidemic in America that threatens so many of us.
There is plenty out in society to be concerned about, like the dangers from infectious diseases once controlled now making a comeback due to people not trusting proven vaccines, or the diminution of the wall between church and state driven by some wanting theocracy, or even how polarized our politics have become to the point where compromise is a dirty word and empathy is called heresy.
These are serious issues, to be sure, but social scientists show as individuals and society at large, we might be on a wrong track orbiting around a serious malady. The issue is an epidemic of loneliness.
While we have never been more digitally connected, society has never been so isolated. There is plenty to blame for this: The addictive smartphone culture and social media algorithms often rise to the top of any list of culprits. The deception is, I might have many “friends” on Facegram and enjoy “likes” on Instabook, but in reality I can feel alone, and often truly am.
The harvest that loneliness from isolation brings to the barn looks like a spike in the past 20 years of people in therapy, an all-to-easy step to cultural isolation where anyone “other” is a threat, a rise in cynicism and a general feeling of meh that has led to an increase of depression, self-harm, and suicide. Google it if you don’t believe me.
Add to that the recent seduction of AI “friends” that accentuates less human connection and aloneness. Human interaction is always problematic, whether platonic or romantic. On a podcast I heard this week, I learned that 35% of men under 40 surveyed would prefer an AI companion over a flesh and blood woman…now that’s alarming.
A long article in the Atlantic calls our time the “Anti-Social Generation.” One line in it states, “Self imposed solitude might be the most important social fact of the 21st century in America.” When our world is all about optimizing myself, there is little room left for others.
But the fact remains that we are built for connection with others. And this is not a new construct at all. Part of the human condition is isolation, and that soothed by association. More than a minute ago, John Dunne, in the 1600s, so beautifully pens it like this.
No man is an island, Entire of itself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend’s Or of thine own were: Any man’s death diminishes me, Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
Isn’t it interesting that over 400 years ago, Dunne called people to understand the interconnectedness of all people, and that at a time much, so much slower in all aspects than ours. Do I really see “Any man’s death diminishes me” or do I spend so much time as an island that I hardly notice those around me, alive or dead.
And spinning the clock back even further, Solomon, in Ecclesiastes, leans into the same theme. Here from the Message paraphrase is his passage on friendships in Ecclesiastes 4.
It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there’s no one to help, tough!Two in a bed warm each other.
Alone, you shiver all night.By yourself you’re unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.
This passage underlines the truth that we are not designed to do this life alone, yet the self-imposed loneliness epidemic spreads by the day. We need friends. Wired to do life with partners calls for a level of commitment many avoid or aren’t prepared for. Knowing where to start building a friendship can be tricky.
Tim Keller says there are three ingredients to a healthy friendship.
Compatibility
Transparency
Constancy
Let’s tease these out a bit.
Compatibility makes sense with having a friend. It’s the “You, too?” moment in a conversation that hooks you into another person. Sometimes around a hobby or a favorite author or even a quirky passion project, like your secret stash of Lego figurines in the spare room closet. Commonalities naturally tie us together with others.
If you find yourself desiring connection in an effort to push loneliness to the sidelines, look for a group or a person who likes what you like. Take the risk to lean in and engage. This is good and often necessary first step.
Going deeper from the compatibility stage, you will hit the fork in the road, that of transparency. A fork because we all have to choose how much of ourselves to share with others. My carefully curated image quickly tarnishes as I reveal more of myself to another. Risk and reward. I open myself up to rejection, especially if I dump all my stuff all at once, so small steps might be the best route.
You will often find with a new true friend that your openness will encourage the other to do the same. The reward is a freedom to not fear rejection if your image doesn’t exactly match the real you and then walking forward with another broken person. After all, we all are just tall children trying to figure it all out.
Keller’s third component to friendship is constancy. These are the friends you have fought with and fought with, back to back and face to face, and still remained friends. These are the ones who have stuck with you and you with them through all their junk. These are the few you will not hesitate to call at 3am when the need is great.
So, it’s no accident that over 50 times in the New Testament, Christ-followers are challenged to do life in “one another” ways. Even a quick study of the Bible shows how critical it is for healthy faith not to be done in isolation, but doing it all with others. The catalog of “one anothers” wraps arms around most all of what we are called to be and do.
When a believer moves away on their own, they are missing out on much of the life-force of the body of Christ, the church. Not the building down the street, but the flawed folks inside. And the losing goes in both directions: The person misses the human contact that promotes growth, and the group doesn’t benefit from the gifts of the one gone.
Making and keeping friends demands work and going it alone is, in many ways, easier, but we simply are built to travel with others. This week, maybe take inventory of your relationships. Take some time to ask yourself questions along these lines:
How much time am I spending alone, entertained by artificial relationships?
Can I name a 3am friend with whom I have been honest about my life?
How am I doing discovering and maintaining my close friendships?
What changes might I make to deepen my bonds to friends?
While men struggle more with this than women, the problem is universal and is growing. How about this week addressing this from two directions. First, take a hard, honest look at how you’re doing in this area, looking for areas needing improvement and committing to a plan moving forward. And second, touch base with your friends, reassuring them of your commitment to them and the worth they hold in your life.
Let’s live this life together and turn our backs to isolation and loneliness. We are better together.
Trust me, I know this is just a tip of the iceberg post. I’d love to hear your thought on what I’ve missed and ways you have found to grow in deeper friendships. Sound good? Let’s go.
Music Time
We Got Lame Jokes
A family moved their grandmother into assisted living after it was clear she could not take care of herself any longer.
The old woman sat in a chair in the sunroom, and as she began to slouch to the right, an aide rushed over and sat her upright. Not long after that she leaned over to the left. The aide came over and sat her straight in the chair.
Later that day the family came by visit and asked, “Mom, how do you like the place? Are they taking good care of you?”
“I guess it’s fine, but they’re sure strict…they won’t even let me fart!”
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Man #1: "I was told you are one of the leading experts on genealogy in our country."
Man #2: "Indeed, I am. That is what I wrote my doctoral dissertation on."
Man #1: "Great! Can you tell me how they fit inside that little lamp?"