Hate Her, Love Her

There is more time to reflect these days. The unsavory contents of the story do not change. From the advantage of six decades, self-hatred and loathing still briefly flash. She snickers to herself as she remembers how grand it would be to have the body she had back when she thought she was fat. Oh, the misery of trying to be something so far beyond her grasp.

Back then, the body refused to conform to the ideal she set for it. The withholding of food, hours of rigorous exercise, and the administration of chemicals not meant for human consumption failed to bring about the change she thought would alter everything. 

As a young woman, she had more success in controlling her body. She went for several weeks consuming vinegar mixed with water and using diet pills she stole from her mother. She curbed her appetite by smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. The results were not satisfying—never enough—skinny enough, pretty enough, clever enough.

Her body responded to exercise, but she couldn’t put all the pieces together to beat her body into the shape she longed for. The reflection in the mirror lied, pointing to her big arms, fat abdomen, chunky legs, and swollen ankles. She could not become friends with the image in the looking glass. Her eyes, cheeks, teeth, chin, and neck were all wrong. If only she looked different, she could be like the others—those women with lots of friends, happy lives, and men who desired them.

She came to believe in Jesus. He gave her a temporary reprieve from the power dysmorphia wielded over her life. The relief she experienced by mentally putting all of her cares into the hands of Jesus was glorious. All of her problems were now his. This is what she understood. She willed herself to embrace it. Bible reading, Bible study, church services, and a community of believers. It was all new to her. This is where God lived, and she moved right in. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, she was still in her own skin. 

Along the way, she came across the book The Christian Secret to a Happy Life by Hannah Whitall Smith. This book described the Holy Spirit and the wonderful way he will sweep into the believer’s life and take over everything. This was fantastic news. She just needed to invite him in, and together with Jesus, he would set up shop. They would clean the house, stop the smoker that lived within, remove the excessive eating patterns, and moderate the alcohol consumption. Voila!

Soon she became very frustrated and wondered what she was doing wrong. Why would God in any form not deliver her from this body of doom? Why didn’t other people struggle like she did? What was she missing? The irony of the entire situation was that she became two people. There was the church lady and the bad lady that lived at home. People did not seem to know the difference. 

Church lady led Bible study and became more credible as time passed. Ms. Got-It-All-Together had small victories, finally able to quit smoking. She controlled her weight with exercise, the more the better, and kept a respectable distance from the bad lady who drank too much every evening. Homegirl overcommitted herself with work and church to please all of the people in her life. 

The Lord is a God of compassion and mercy. He is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love. In her meditation, she marveled at this wonder as she considered her life with Jesus. Things take much longer than you think they should. This has been true for her indeed.

She knew all too well that sin takes you further than you wanted to go, keeps you longer than you planned to stay, and costs you more than you wanted to pay.

After several years, the bad lady who lived at home could no longer be silenced. She elbowed church lady out of the way and began to talk. She knew her sanity and survival depended on being seen and heard. To be honest, she believed that at her truth telling, the seas would part, the angels would sing, and bad lady would be delivered from her torments. It did not happen quite that way. Church lady invited bad lady to all of her affairs, and the two became one. 

One day bad lady took church lady to an outside resource, and together, they found others who were experiencing freedom from addiction. The abuse of food, drink, and many other things is not the problem, it turns out. The bondage of enslaving influence is just a symptom of the problem. The trouble is in the human, and the solution is in God. Oh…. there he was hiding in plain sight.

She reflects on how she found the happy Christian life. She finally understood that no one was coming to save her. She had to get real and see the truth. Fear, guilt, and shame held her hostage, grasping the bars of a jail of her own making. She remembered that God’s power was her greatest asset, and she resolved to let him walk her to the freedom road. 

Her change was not swift, and her journey was not painless. But moment by moment she practiced focusing on what was true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable. She manages the tension between looking back to what once held her and desiring to be someone she is not. She keeps her balance by focusing on Jesus.

Her story reminds her of the parable about the boy that collected his inheritance and went to a far-away land only to learn that everything he wanted was back at home. Lost deep in the reservoir of defeat, she sought help to remind her of everything she knew about God. The entire journey was necessary for her to get where she is today.

Not much has changed from the first pages of Genesis. The fruit looked good, and God said not to eat it, but they ate it anyway. It only took a nudge, a liar, and some magical thinking. She now knows that the human experience is not easy. Humans were designed to help each other stay on the straight and narrow path. God is trustworthy and faithful. He created people with a particular design in mind. Liars are….liars and will try to disrupt and distract. They must not be trusted.

She needed help long before she accepted it. She hopes to help others take the cutoff and get there faster. All in God’s good time.