Is Being Selfish Always Wrong?
Are we always self-centered when we’re selfish? Depends on the boundaries we set.
Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book, Boundaries, talk about Highly Productive People (HPP) and Highly Sensitive People (HSP). HPP people don’t know their limits so often crash and burn. HSP people are so sensitive to stimuli around them that their emotional reserves are quickly drained.
Both people types need boundaries. And Cloud and Townsend maintain that legitimate boundaries in life are neither selfish nor self-centered.
I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis’s spiritual autobiography Surprised by Joy. The book traces the influences on Lewis’s life leading up to his conversion to Christ in 1931.
Lewis grew up in Belfast, Ireland with his brother, Warren, and father, Albert. Lewis’s mother passed away when he was a child. His education was typical of boys his age. He attended boarding schools and had private tutors who prepared him for examinations to enter prestigious schools like Oxford and Cambridge. Lewis was bookish and introverted and thrived in this environment.
One such tutor was Kirk, who drilled Lewis in classical Greek literature and Latin. Lewis also read broadly on his own. It was a tranquil life as he writes on p.143 of Surprised by Joy: “Such is my ideal, and such (almost) was the reality of ‘settled, calm, Epicurean life.’”
He writes further:
“It is no doubt for my own good that I have been so generally prevented from leading it, for it is a life almost entirely selfish. Selfish, not self-centered: for in such a life my mind would be directed toward a thousand things, not one of which is myself. The distinction is not unimportant. One of the happiest men and most pleasing companions I have ever known was intensely selfish. On the other hand I have known people capable of real sacrifice whose lives were nonetheless a misery to themselves and to others, because self-concern and self-pity filled all their thoughts.” (p.143, emphasis mine)
To be clear, Lewis isn’t commending either life without God. But his self-absorbed early life of study prior to his conversion prepared him for his career as a professor and scholar. Coupled with his Christian faith, Lewis combined both reason and faith.
Applying Lewis’s logic, I think of Jesus, who after an exhausting evening of ministry in Simon and Andrew’s home (Mark 1:32-34), went before dawn “to a lonely place and was praying there” (Mark 1:35). Jesus needed to withdraw to recharge despite the still pressing needs around him. Was he being self-centered or rightfully selfish?
And how about in Luke 5:15-16 where Jesus’ popularity had become so great, so crushing was the need, that he “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (v.16). Was he again self-centered by ignoring the enormous need around him? Or did he realize (as we should) that after a time of engagement that sapped his physical and emotional reserves, he needed to withdraw and recoup? If Jesus could be labeled as self-centered in those situations, so be it.
If we keep making withdrawals on our personal resources without corresponding deposits, we’re soon no good for anyone.
Some examples:
Pastors need to spend time alone with God despite the pressing needs around them. Vocational ministry is like a slow leak in a tire. We often don’t realize we’re flat until it’s too late.
Young moms need time away from demanding toddlers. Just adult conversation flips the switch.
Grieving people often must grieve silently before the Lord. They simultaneously need people and don’t need them, but they always need God.
In his book, The Way of the Heart: the Spirituality of the Desert Fathers and Mothers, Henri Nouwen made the following statement: “Silence and solitude are the furnace of transformation.”
I think C.S. Lewis was right. Perceived selfishness is not always self-centeredness. Instead, it can be the life-giving practice that saves us and others.