Ten Way to Love Your Spiritual Leaders

You’ve heard about the perfect pastor, right?

• He makes $400 a week, wears good clothes, drives a nice car, buys books, and donates $100 a week to the church.

• He preaches exactly 15 minutes and then sits down.

• ‍He condemns sin but never steps on anybody’s toes.

• ‍He visits ten shut-ins a day—the sick, the hospitalized, the bereaved—and is always found in his study when needed.

Yeah, no. There is no such thing as a perfect pastor, just as there is no such thing as a perfect congregation member.

Clergy are some of the hardest-working people we know. Unfortunately, a number of unrealistic expectations tend to be placed on them, which trickles down to their families.

This begs the question: Why is it important to love and support our spiritual leaders? Why does it matter?

One pastor answered my query with a handful of excellent bullet points:

• Ministry can be emotionally and spiritually demanding, so support helps prevent discouragement and burnout.

• When pastors and their families feel supported, they are often better equipped to serve others with joy, strength, and compassion.

• It helps them feel that they are not serving alone, but that the church is truly a spiritual family.

• It encourages them and reminds them that their work is appreciated and valued.

• Feeling loved builds a stronger relationship of trust between the pastor, their family, and the congregation.

A pastor’s wife mentioned that there are many challenges that come with pastoral ministry—things that most people don’t/can’t know. “If the leadership feels supported and loved by the people they serve,” she wrote, “it truly is a blessing and brings comfort even when things are hard.”

One pastor wrote about vulnerability. “It’s important to be supported in order to build trust, be brave, be honest, and be able to say and do the things that need to be said and done.”

One of the women pointed out that pastor’s wives often feel scrutinized and criticized. This pastor’s wife admitted that her emotional foundation is in the Lord and her husband is her best and closest friend. “But to feel loved and supported [by the people we serve] makes ministry easier.”

10 practical ways to show love and care

If it’s important that we love and encourage our spiritual leaders and their families—and it is—then what are some of the best ways to do so? In no particular order, here’s feedback from the people who responded to our survey:

1. Be generous with words of encouragement.

Write a letter of appreciation or write a note letting your pastor know a particular point from his message that stuck with you. One pastor spoke of how he values “thoughtful handwritten cards, texts, or messages simply to say, ‘We appreciate you.’”

One pastor’s wife described a woman in her congregation who gives her a big hug and says, ‘I love you!’ every time she sees her. “She is genuine and doesn’t judge me.”

2. Love on your pastor’s family.

I wonder how many pastor’s wives are held to high expectations by their congregation? I wonder how many pastor’s kids have walked away from the church because of negative comments made about them in their hearing?

But what if our churches were more like this: “In every church we pastored, the people loved and respected me and didn’t judge our kids,” wrote a pastor’s wife and mom of three. “Our kids don’t have any ‘bruises’ left from the church.”

3. Encourage your pastor/pastor’s wife to disconnect and recharge.

Surveys and studies indicate that intentional time for a pastor’s personal spiritual renewal—away from the heavy daily demands—is critical. 

One pastor’s wife spoke of a couple who provided a place for her and her husband to “retreat to and recharge without the worry of significant financial pressure.”

4. Be a true friend.

The same surveys mentioned above indicate that pastors need a safe, confidential community. They need genuine, non-critical friendships. Pastors and their wives have fears and frustrations. They have doubts and personal struggles. Because—and you’re not gonna believe this—they’re human just as we, their congregation members, are. They need a friend(s) who will listen well and not judge.

“One of the best things done for us by the congregation was being our friends,” wrote a pastor’s wife. “Friendship between the pastor and family and the congregation is so important.”

5. Be respectful of boundaries.

Boundaries can include, but are not limited to, the pastor’s day off (when another pastor is on call), evening time with his family, and demands and expectations on the pastor’s wife.

One pastor’s wife wrote, “My church doesn’t pressure me to join every meeting or gathering that happens. This is a blessing.”

In another case, a pastor, in an interview, was asked what his wife’s role would be. At the time, the couple had a newborn baby. “My wife would not be expected to do anything more or different than any other young mom with a new baby,” was his response. And that set the tone for how her life as the pastor's wife worked out.

6. Bake, gather, and drop.

What if, every so often, you baked your signature sourdough blueberry bread or gathered a couple jars of your award-winning canned peaches and dropped these by your pastor’s home. What if you sent a text and asked, “What are your family’s favorite pizza toppings? We’d like to drop dinner off one evening this week. What’s a good day and time?”

These offerings of food say, “I was just thinking about you, and wanted to show my appreciation.” (Maybe the grub doesn’t actually say those words out loud, but the recipient of the grub gets the message.)

7. Provide hands-on help.

Consider doing something hands-on that would alleviate the workload of your pastor. One pastor and his wife appreciated the extra help when they had a flock of young kids. Assisting with the practical things—yard work, transportation, childcare—was huge to this family.

On the flip side …

If you have a burning desire to clean your pastor’s house, instead of showing up with broom and dustpan and invading their home, consider hiring it done professionally. Why? Because—generally speaking here—cleaning your pastor’s toilets has the potential of being awkward. And if your pastor’s wife is like me, she’ll clean the house first before you arrive with your dust rags and polish.

8. Give thoughtful gifts.

Consider giving a gift card to a favorite restaurant. Double points if you also provide childcare, if needed, while your pastor and his wife are out on their date.

Or gift your pastor with an Amazon tree. The “tree” might be only a big twig or an artificial plant, but the leaves are Amazon gift cards and congregants are invited to participate. “Every pastor I know wants more books,” admitted a retired clergyman. Hence, Amazon gift cards.

Consider giving a gift card for an event—a round of golf, zip lining, white water rafting. I’ve heard it said that experiences, especially ones we wouldn’t do on our own, have the potential for being more memorable.

“When we left our first pastorate, they had a special farewell dinner for us,” one pastor’s wife remembered from several years back. “[They] gave us a quilt they made and a chiming wall clock. We still have the clock and quilt.”

“When we were hired at the church,” one of the pastors wrote, “the people filled our pantry with food.” Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, or special family milestones spoke to him and his family about the love and kindness of his congregation.

9. Serve in your church.

What if we discovered our spiritual gift and used it to bless our church family, which also blesses our pastor? As volunteers and potential leaders step up, it more than likely eases the pastor’s workload and gives him peace of mind that all areas are well-covered—music, kids, youth, food ministry, life groups, Sunday School, preparing communion, cleaning the church, etc.

10. Pray for your spiritual leaders and their families.

Prayer overlaps and undergirds and surrounds everything else. “Having the covering of prayer is probably the most important and valuable thing we can receive,” wrote one pastor.

“Praying for me is a wonderful gift.” This from a pastor’s wife.

A pastor wrote how he appreciates his congregation members, “praying for us regularly and letting us know they are praying.”

“Remember, pastors consider themselves to be caregivers,” from an article at Lifeway Research. “It may be hard for your pastor to receive care so be relentless!”

Showing thoughtfulness and consideration year-round—not just on Pastor/Clergy Appreciation Day (second Sunday in October) or at Christmas—goes a long way in loving our spiritual leaders, in building strong relationships and trust with them, in offering love and appreciation.

To pastors and their wives: People want to help in meaningful ways. Accept help when it’s offered!

And to congregation members: Be relentless!