Bowling Alone
You’ve seen it plenty of times: The older man sitting on a bench by himself who appears to be quite alone, or the woman hunched in the booth at the diner slowly eating at a table set for one, or the person of any age walking down the street looking lost.
An oft-repeated warning is that an epidemic of loneliness wraps cold arms around our culture. While the caution is not new, it seems to be slowly moving toward the front of societal conversations. One commentator says we humans have never been more connected and yet never more isolated at the same time.
That analysis is not new. Back in the mid-’80s a book title on my shelf cried out, The Friendless American Male. I don’t remember what it said but kept it just for the title as a reminder of what NOT to become. Twenty-five ago Robert Putnam wrote Bowling Alone that traced the near collapse of bowling leagues and fraternal orders (think Moose, Elks, etc.) as a driver behind our feeling detached from community, which leads to less social-good actions and local improvements, along with more and more personal isolation. Michael Smerconish, a political commentator and radio guy, has initiated the “Mingle Project” with rallies around the country that seeks to just get folks talking and hanging out together, with strong results, personally and in their communities.
The Bible has much to say about connection, community, and friendship. Throughout the book are stories of people doing life, together. Some are successful while others provide an example for us through their spectacular failures.
One place where wisdom for us lies displayed on the bottom shelf is in the book of Proverbs. Repeatedly, Solomon and the others lay out principles for living well in community. That tells me two things: First, problems of isolation plague every generation (with ours being jet-fueled by all that distracts), and second, God, through his spokespeople, provides wisdom for us to use as remedies.
One answer is making and keeping good friends.
Friendship goes beyond just being a good neighbor or nice co-worker or pleasant pickleball partner. Friendship takes work to build on commonalities into something that can both sustain itself and keep the partners solid, encouraged, and carrying a sense of deep belonging.
Tim Keller identifies three ingredients in a successful friendship: Sympathy, transparency, and constancy. Taking these ideas, let me tease them out a bit.
Sympathy is way more than feeling feelings for another, but at the root means to carry similar interests and goals, sym pathos = like passions. C.S. Lewis, when talking of sympathy in a friendship, said it shows up in expressions like, “You too? I thought I was the only one!”
You’ve had the experience. You are at some function casually talking with another and you feel a connection develop as you toss back and forth ideas along a line of thought. It’s almost like lazily floating a river when the current picks up as the channel narrows. So you and your companion’s pace increases as you lean into one another sharing your experiences. That, in this sense, is sympathy, and it is a necessary ingredient in the recipe for a solid friendship. And it begins when you mingle, as awkward as that might be for you.
Transparency lies down the road in a friendship and is much riskier, packing fear, shame, and reluctance into its suitcase. Transparency means letting someone in and risking rejection if they really know you as you are. Friends know and keep going. It is a high bar that calls for me to abandon my carefully curated imposter image.
People who choose to carefully be transparent with friends, jump that friendship to another level. My reputation is what you think of me based on what I project. A true friend who peers behind the curtain and still says, “I know you and still want to be your friend” is the real deal. From this, genuine progress for both happens together…but not without its share of conflict. Listen to Proverbs.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
I need my friends to hone my edge and keep me on track and me theirs, but sharpening causes friction and heat and often sparks. Creative clashes punctuate these relationships. Close friends give an “open season” hunting license to point out serious flaws and work on them together, knowing they are motivated by love and not just to wag a bony finger in your direction. The love is too deep and important to overlook, but this isn’t easy. And another…
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.
If you choose to not be bowling alone, transparency with a friend lets you go deep and move ahead, together. Honesty can wound, but it is for the other’s good, and they stand ready to be wounded in return. This is so much better than kissing up to keep things happy and calm.
And finally, Constancy. This is your backstop. A friend who knows you to the bottom and will stand with you to the end. And they have let you into their life, as well. Together you can fight with each other and fight with each other against all comers. A friend who knows you and who will go to war with you is uncommon and incredibly valuable.
A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity.
These are 3am friends. Without hesitation they will answer the phone and can be called upon for help, counsel, a challenge to face, a grief to observe. We aren’t built to do life alone, and sometimes that other person cannot be your partner, but a friend.
Sympathy, transparency, constancy. Ingredients in the recipe for a fruitful, faithful, fun friendship.
Maybe it’s time to do some rehab on your close friendships. Take stock and see if they need to be honed a bit with honest conversation since they are so valuable to each other. Over coffee or on a walk, ask the hard questions since you know they won’t walk away. Just like maintenance on a car, every once in a while it’s worth the work to keep it running well.
But, you might be reading this and feel all alone and without a friend like this. God knows your heart and your need. Have you asked him for a friend to do life with? Are you demonstrating the qualities that person might respond to? Good, hard questions to ask, but not alone. Open your eyes and heart and let your good Father bring someone along to walk beside, helping each other do life a bit better.
Music? Sure.
Something different this week. A friend of mine, Lisa, sent me a link to 40-some minutes of psalms, if David sang the blues. Worth the listen, even in the background.
Yearning for some bad jokes? Look no further…
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOFING
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